Yeah, I know...I kind of disappeared on you all; went all MIA, ironically, after my post on self-injury. Let me begin to say that I am still very alive, well, happy, oh, and still scar free.
I needed a breather after that post as it was one of the hardest things that I had to share about myself. For the longest time, I was ashamed of my past; ashamed that I put myself through so much grief and heartache. Hell, I actually hated myself for the longest time. To air out such a private thing made me almost afraid to come back here.
Almost.
During my hiatus, I learned a lot about myself. I found myself letting go more often, pushing myself more, and just reflecting. I found inner peace through things that I would have never found peace in prior to February. I let a guy go that I, for some unknown reason, thought was going to be my saving grace. It turned out I didn't need him, his lies, or his weak promises to find my own happiness. All I needed this entire time was me and a little bit of faith.
I began meditating more, reflecting more, offering more of myself to causes and the needs of my community, and, surprisingly enough, exercising...a lot. I'll get to that one later...
Anyhow, consider this my apology for disappearing. It was a needed break though, I assure you. If I were to write something a week after that post, it may have not been positive. I wanted to be sure that I was absolutely ready to come back and, thanks to a couple friends and another special person (who I hope is reading this right now and is not running for the hills), I'm back.
Now, how about some updates?
What the Hell have I been Doing?
I'm sure you all have your theories and I bet one of them is listed below...
1) "Dita went off the deep end. I heard that she overdosed on chocolate, trashy tabloids, and Zzzquil after a night in San Fran sleeping with some dirty drunkard sailor all Nelly O'Hara style in a slummy motel room. A friend of mine saw the paddy wagon come get her the next day. She could be heard screaming at the top of her lungs how she was Nelly O'Hara, and by goddamn, she will be singing in tonight's show."
2) "Dita lost a BUNCH of weight...like, a lot, and decided to become a lunk and not follow the fat
movement anymore. Last thing I heard about her was that she was making it with Theo Rossi and was BFFs with Paris and some other skinny girl with a tan and a DUI record. Lucky bitch."
3) "Dita became a recluse; quit her job at the bank, live in her parents' dark, damp basement, reread all her past glories as a once inspiring writer and pee in mason jars...poor thing went ape shit."
Well, sorry to disappoint you, but none of those things happened...well, except for the trashy tabloids, weight loss (lost twelve more pounds, to be exact), and peeing in mason jars...okay, that was a joke. Seriously, I don't have that good of aim.
*shakes head* Fuck, I'm grossing MYSELF out. Okay, no more Aviator references.
Actually, I've done quite a lot. Besides working, I've been doing a lot of volunteer work. Some weekends, you will find me picking up litter downtown or spreading mulch. I've also started to slowly get back into my Junior Achievement work; looking for small ways to volunteer my time and skills to raising awareness and funding for the program that provides mentoring to children of all ages. Hopefully, someday, I will be back in the classroom once a week teaching like I used to do when I first started at the bank.
Now, let me tell you about my passion...
Two years ago, if you asked me to do a 5k for charity, I would have just handed you some monetary donation and called it a day. Truth? I've always wanted to do a 5k, but I didn't think I could do it. I was always made to believe by my folks (even though I do love them and totally get it) that I wasn't physically equipped to do it. Fat girl with two bad ankles and asthma...sounds like 5k material, right? Yeah, I didn't think so for the longest time, but it's possible. Want to know how I know?
Because this fat girl did it last weekend.
Yes, fat girl walked her first 5K for March of Dimes. Granted, I only made it to 4K, but I did it and the absolute beauty of the whole experience is that it not only raised money and awareness for a great cause, it also made me feel invincible. It gave me a since of accomplishment and hope; a purpose. I found something that I truly loved and I didn't want to stop. On that cold, damp morning at the beach I realized that I found something that made me happy and I wanted to keep doing it despite what others may think.
My next 5K is on June 8th for the American Heart Association and hopefully there will be more in my future.
Run, Fat Girl, RUUUUUUN!
In my half-assed apology, I made a reference to exercise. Yes, I've been exercising on and off awhile now, but most recently I actually made the proactive effort to do it consistently. I try to go to the gym at least three times a week and on the days I don't go, I make sure I'm walking. Saturday morning, I had a breakthrough...
Fat girl jogged. JOGGED as in moved like a rabbit...maybe a rabbit missing a foot, but she did it and it was fucking incredible. I was sweaty and ungodly sore, but you couldn't tell by the huge grin on my face. To my surprise, I ran for fifteen minutes WITHOUT losing my breath or using my inhaler. In the process, I felt strong, untouchable, and free; things that I never felt in the high school gym.
This morning while everyone slept (well, besides my friends Vin and Bethany), I got up to a 5.5 speed/3 miles on the treadmill and ran some more and lifted some weights. It's a process; a daily stepping stone to meet with a little caution, but a lot of faith in yourself. Like everything, you grow into it. You push yourself and constantly have to remind yourself that you are getting there. Last week, I was only doing 2.5 speed/1.5 miles. I saw today that I'm getting somewhere.
Like many of my family members and friends, I'm becoming a fighter: I'm fighting a stigma in society that if you are fat, you don't stand a chance. I'm fighting years of being babied into thinking I can't run because I have asthma. I'm fighting that inner voice saying it'll never get better because, damn it, I think it will. There's a time in your life you have to take ownership in your fate and tell yourself that everyone else's opinion of you doesn't matter.
The past is the past and not every day is guaranteed. All you have for certain is the present. Don't hold yourself back for the sake of someone else's comfort.
One day at a time. I'm still in this fight. Go ahead, negativity, I dare you to take a swing at me!
One day at a time. I'm still in this fight. Go ahead, negativity, I dare you to take a swing at me!
In Conclusion, Until Next Time...
Is Dita giving up on the fat movement? Is she completely done being that fat girl interrupted? No. I'm never going to be a size eight and fuck, I don't think I want to be. I just want to be healthy and happy regardless to how much weight I lose. Frankly, I think Torrid has better clothes than Abercrombie and Fitch (if you got that reference, kudos to you) and I still love my chocolate. It's all about moderation though. I am still going to write about the fat girl's awkward dates (well, maybe not so much anymore since I am sort of exclusively seeing someone that doesn't dig golden showers or ball gagging...holy fuck, I may have a normal relationship after all!). I'm still going to write about being that hot fat chick jumping around in a mosh pit full of skinny minis. I'm still going to write this blog at Tim Horton's with a damn glazed Timbit in my hand. I'm still me, just more grown up and perhaps loving life a little more.
Words That Have Gotten Me Through the Bullshit...*
“If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying.”
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
“Let me tell ya. You gotta pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back... I'm telling you.”
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook
*If you haven't read The Silver Linings Playbook, you need to...like now.
Today's Thickspiration
Beth Ditto (of Gossip)
