Well, bottom line: dating can be good and then it can be, hmmm....fucking terrible. It's a risk; a final sale kind of deal with no chance of return (yup, not even the shit that is chipped or ripped beyond of repair). There are no guarantees that the first date will even be fun. You just take leaps and pray like hell that you crash into the cool water and not the shards of rock below.
I tried all the typical dating routines, but nothing could be as interesting as my encounters on OKCupid.
OKCupid has its ups and downs for me: I met one of my best friends, Mike, on OKCupid (a fellow punk and tattoo enthusiast) and he has been my rock through the shittiest parts of my life. A brother of another mother, if you will. I even had a relationship come out of it: two years and engaged, but that all ended in a bitter sweetness. There's my first big risk. After a month of recovery, I was back on the saddle...and back to OKCupid.
OKCupid changed A LOT when I was away. Once small and close knit; it had morphed into a godzilla with a few good men...but a HELL of a lot of freaks too.
Now, I am far from conventional: I'm a big girl that likes to be loud, spontaneous, and weird. My relationship aspirations are to meet that guy that can share my love of Muse, dark humor, and Justin Bieber covers (covers only...I fucking don't have "Bieber Fever", okay?). I want a guy that will quote Lone Star's quotes as I quote Princess Vespa (Spaceballs reference). I want a guy that knows I got anxiety issues and be totally cool with it. Besides one particular promising message from one member, I got hit with a boatload of creepers.
My profile evidently is a beacon of fuckery; crying out over the shining waters of HTML, "Come! Give me your potential serial rapists, gladly unemployed, and aspiring Mr. Greys (no, not even the hot kind). It's enough to make a girl question whether or not she is living a life of a Carrie Bradshaw.
First encounter: It's raining...but I don't think that is water...what the...?
First message I got was from a 32-year-old gentleman: he seemed like a great guy. He had that country boy face, a killer smile (not a Charles Manson kind of smile), and a single parent with an adorable little girl needing a strong female figure in her life. I was not scared of the kid at all. In fact, I love kids and would never not date anyone because of that factor. I was gung ho on going out on a coffee date with guy until he started talking about his likes and dislikes: he likes football, hockey, the t.v. show Law and Order, whips, spankings, and golden showers...wha-?!
Holy shit, I have encountered Mr. Grey, forty shades short of courting etiquette. I will be the first to admit, I like some aggression in a relationship, but this was a bit over my moon and right into the dark side. Neil Armstrong couldn't even grasp this shit. Golden showers...yup, that is short for peeing on someone. Now, I have said "Piss on this" or "Piss on you" a lot on my day, but I could never say I'd actually follow through with it.
Needless to say, I stopped talking to Forty Shades Short rather abruptly.
Second encounter: The man under his mom's (basement) stairs.
Second message I got was from a man that seemed fairly nice...in that boss interviewing a job applicant. He started off small: what are your hobbies? What do you do for a living? What do you think about Plath's "Daddy"? Okay, maybe not that in-depth...but a girl can wish, right? Then the questions began getting more sketchy: "How much do you make weekly/bi-weekly?", "Any chance you may get promoted?", "How do you feel about being a main breadwinner?", "Oh, I sorta don't work...are you down with that?"
Um...where the hell have all the cowboys gone? Is it too much to ask for a man that wants a little more for himself? Nope, I am not a sugar mommy in any sense whatsoever...application withdrawn.
Third Encounter: Indiana Jones and the Last Mind Fuck
Third message came from a hottie from INDIA. His message started off pretty sweet: "You seem like a very intelligent, interesting young woman with a lot of inner and outer beauty.I'd love to talk to you at some point and yada yada yada..." I read and read and read; more compelled to talk to this exotic hottie and then I got to the very end of the poignant message from afar and waited with baited breath as I read the next line. It read: "I hope I do not offend you, but I think you'd be an incredible mind fuc."
Oh my god....you're damn right I was offended! This...this...dolt left off the "K" in fuck!
....Nah, actually, I laughed. A lot. I then sent a simple thank you; not quite sure how to answer that one.
These are just a few of the OKStupid encounters I've had; granted, not all of them have been horrible. I'm hoping to someday get up the nerve to write about the good ones and the painful ones. Today is not quite that day. Bottom line: you have to look at the funny shit when you are at your loneliest. It's not easy finding Mr. Right when you are Ms. Big. OKStupid is not the greatest starting point, but it is a start. Got to kiss (or in my case, message) a lot of frogs until you find that prince.
And, who knows, maybe I found him already and just am waiting for that final sign.
With Chapped Lips,
-Dee Dee
Thickspiration: Monique
No comments:
Post a Comment